Amanda Clark

Absent family

I know I can’t be the only one that has experienced this…

So quick back story(I’ll go into more detail in another blog). So my mom and dad divorced when I was around 9 and both got remarried. My mom ended up marring an abusive guy, and then my dad ended up marring his current wife. I ended up moving in with my dad and step mom. Step mom had two kids previously and I was my mom and dad’s only child together. My mom had three kids with the abusive guy. I promise this will be important.

So I ended up living with my dad and step mom from the ages of 9 to 18. Those where some really hard years(I’d rather not go into detail right now… maybe another day…). Anyways after I moved out my relationship with my dad and step mom was ok kind of rocky, but we still talked and I’d go over. My step mom’s second daughter was the first to have the first grand baby. She was still in high school and everyone tried to help out as much as possible. She goes on to have three more and my dad and step mom have to help with them more then they should have. So naturally they have more of a bond with them. My step mom’s first daughter finally gets to have her turn and have her beautiful miracle baby girl. Of course they are very present in all the grand babies lives. Went to baby showers, birthdays, and what not.

I guess let me back track into another quick back story… As the years progress our relationship becomes more and more straied. My step mom’s second daughter caused a lot of drama and issues that made things worse. I was the black shep of the family at this point phone calls started to become few and far between. So of corse these issues made it worse. I got blamed for a lot of things that never happened and stories were made up and believed. By this point I was barely talking to my step mom and my dad was here and there.

So now I finally get to have my turn! I remember with the first pregnancy I was so excited to tell them! I put together a cute little box with a binky and cute little note. We were living out of town at that time. So we drive back to tell them the news, but they are busy so we have to wait till late that night to saying anything. I give them the box to open and my step mom pulls out the binky and was like, “oh looks like someone knocked up”. My happiness was instantly crushed… She then goes on to talk about her second daughter’s pregnancy. (She talks about her non stop) What happnies I had left was gone. When we were on our way back home I just wanted to cry! I was so hurt. Second pregnancy I didn’t even say anything. Finally the third one I didn’t tell them till right before we announced to everyone.

If I got any calls from my step mom it was to talk and her second daughter. Then briefly ask about me then turn it back to her. She’d call here and there and they where always the same calls. I never would hear from my dad. Didn’t make it to my baby shower, didn’t come up to the hospital, missed my daughter’s first birthday. Have only seen her a handful of times. I was told we live out of their way to come see us… But my mom who lives in another state can come to see her. My husband’s mom worked 2-3 jobs and would still come to see her. Hell she was dying and still found a way to come see her… I guess I just didn’t understand…

I don’t understand why? I tried to put our relationship and issues aside to let them be apart of her life and I get nothing… Nothing but guilt trips and made to feel like I’m the bad person. I just stopped trying. Till my husband’s mom passed away. I tried again and it’s still the same. I’m not going to continue to keep going out of my way when they can’t even try. I feel bad for my daughter because my grandparents on both my mom and dad’s side were like second parents. I was with them so much. Any chance I could I was there and unfortunately she will never get to experience this. The same goes with cousins I was almost always with my cousins. My daughter on the other hand won’t get to experience that… One sister’s kids have so many issues that I’d prefer her not to play with them and the other just has way too much going on in her life to try.

Like I said my mom lives out of state and we barely talk on the phone (which is fine. I’m not a big phone talker),but we talk through messenger a lot and will video call each other and I’m fine with that. But she tries to make it work and I try as well. Thats all I’m asking. Now I’m not saying I need them to call every day, every other day, or every week. Just here and there or a text is even fine too. A hey?! How’s it going? Is fine, but nope. Nothing. Through two miscarriages and a pregnancy I had no support whatsoever. I had no one to ask questions, no one to cry to, and no one to help when I was exhausted. For three years I have been doing it all by myself.

I just want them to know that they are missing out on so much! All of her firsts, how smart she is, how silly she is, how loving and caring she is, how she is adventurous, and just her being her. They are missing all of it and it doesn’t even seem like it bothers them. I think what hurts the most is that my dad who I use to be so close with hasn’t even reached out and asked to see her… I always get told they are always so busy and have so much going on. So I guess it’s there lose… Life goes on with or with out them I’m now at the point where I’m done trying.

If you have a similar experience please feel free to share. I’ll have more blogs coming soon.

Busy week

Sorry I haven’t posted anything in a bit. Last week was my daughter’s birthday and Saturday was her party. So I spent the week getting everything ready. I will be posting soon. I’ll post about her party and I have a couple of other blogs I want to share.

Getting To Know Me Part 3

***Possible Trigger Warning *** talks about pregnancy and miscarriages

Sorry I missed yesterday. I had some unexpected things I needed to take care of. So we left off the other day where I thought I was in labor.

So at this point it’s like midnight and my husband has been has been awake since 6 am and hasn’t been to sleep yet. Contractions are starting to pick up and get closer together. We grab our bags(which let me throw in there my best friend thought I was crazy for having packed so early 😂). We head to the hospital, now we live about 30 minutes away from the hospital so that was a fun time lol. I can feel her drop down and now I’m really starting to feel these contractions! Bless my husband’s heart while all of this is happening lol. I tell him I feel her drop and he’s like ” do I need to go faster?” I told him “no!”, “just get us there in one piece”. We get to the hospital and go to labor and delivery (apparently we should have went to er first… we had no idea🤷‍♀️). They let us in and were kinda short with us. I’m pretty sure they didn’t believe me and I was interrupting there free time🙄. So I get changed they check me and guess what my water broke! So now they start getting me hooked up to everything. This is also where it starts to just go down hill🤦‍♀️.

So first let me just start off by saying my vains are super small and they’ve only ever been able to find a good one in my left arm. So they are trying to find a vain and aren’t having any luck what so ever!! They keep sticking me over and over and get nothing! Let me add I hate needles! I hate getting shots and I hate having blood drawn! So this was seriously taking a toll on me and they didn’t seem to care. They bring in a machine that is supposed to find your vains… Still couldn’t get one🤦‍♀️🙄!! I’m almost in tears now because it was hurting so bad! Finally they just stick it on top of my hand and call it good. It hurt so bad especially anytime i had to move my hand. So finally they get everything set up and start the patoson. They check me and I’m at a 3 so it’s now just a waiting game. We both try and get some sleep and just wait it out.

I wake I’m assuming a couple hours later?? I can’t remember what time it was lol. But now I’m in pain and it’s getting worse. I woke my poor husband up, well actually I scared him awake at this point with my pain grunts I guess you could call them?? Lol I don’t want to say I was screaming but not necessarily crying so somewhere in between both combined. He jumps up out of the chair and runs to get a nurse to help me. They come and check me and I’m now at a 6! Of course now I have to make the big decision do this natural or get an epidural. We remember earlier when I said I hated needles? Yeah this was a big decision for me lol. I waited as long as possible and finally gave in. I’m waiting for this people to come in and get this done so we can move on and it’s taking forever!! By the time the guy got there I was starting to feel like I needed to push!! Well you have to stay perfectly still so they can shove this big needle in you’re back and I’m trying to and also not trying to push at the same time!!

So the guy trying to do this epidural is having a hard time… couldn’t get the needle in and had to do it a couple of times. At this point I almost just say forget it! He finally gets the needle in and we are on are way! Let me add that by the time he got done I was now at a 9! So I’m trying to push nothings happening. I try different positions still nothing. The ob on call comes in here and there and keeps telling me I’m not where he wants me to be he’ll come back later and check. Like what?! I’m pushing and pushing and still not getting anywhere! The nurses can’t figure out why and the ob was absolutely no help. He pretty much just kept telling me I wasn’t pushing hard enough and to do better. That really helped out a lot. The nurses tried everything to help me and we were still not getting anywhere. It got to the point I could bearly stay awake and my husband looks at me and goes,” look I know you didn’t want a c-section but you can’t do it anymore. You are so tired and nothings happening.” At this point I agree because I literally can’t do it anymore. I felt so defeated and terrible at the same time. I look at him and tell him sorry. Why? I have no idea… It’s not like I didn’t try I did, but I guess it was more because I felt like a failure. I couldn’t even push our daughter out on my own. So by this time my epidural has wore off and I’m now feeling everything!!

Now we are waiting for me to get preped to go back to have the c-section and they are taking forever to do this as well. I have no pain meds now and still having the urges to push. I ask if I still should or what I need to do? They tell me I can push if I want. We finally get back to have the c-section and they are doing everything they need too to get to baby. Then he pulls her out show her to us and hands her off. We had to tell them that I wanted to skin to skin. So they bring her over and lay her on me till they were done stitching me back up. Most everyone leaves out of the room and two of the nurses were trying to figure out how to get me to the other bed. I was like I can just move over… they were like,”you can’t move… your legs are numb.” I have no idea what I was thinking but I was like, “no they aren’t.” Lifted up and moved over. They are just staring at me like I’m crazy. They asked if I could feel them cutting me and I told them I I didn’t. They get me back to our room and are doing their checks on baby and me. I had planned on breastfeeding but we weren’t starting out to great with that. My daughter’s blood sugar was low so they immediately gave her a bottle. It didn’t quite register to me till it was too late.

We get moved to a new room and they just keep coming and going. They had to keep checking her blood and mine as well to make sure we were ok. She didn’t get a bath till later the next day because her blood sugar levels. We finally get that taken care of and I’m still trying to breastfeed and still not having any luck. I was getting frustrated and starting to feel like an even bigger failure. One nurse saw that I was struggling and was so kind, she stayed and tried to help me get it figured out. She ended up bringing me a nipple shield which helped a little. They finished all their testing on the two of us that they needed. My ob came in and said we didn’t have to stay the three days so we left as soon as possible!

We couldn’t wait to be home! To be able to sleep in our own bed and not have people coming and going at all hours. But let me tell you what those first 24 hours being her were the best and worst! Lol. I remember just setting there staring at her for hours while she slept that night. I was so scared that something would/could happen. So my husband bought one on those owlet socks so I could sleep. Isn’t he the best? Let me tell you what! That thing was a life saver!! If your on the fence about getting one, DO IT!! YOU WONT REGRET IT!! Absolutely loved it and ended up giving ours to our cousins when they had their’s.

So I hope y’all enjoyed! I’ll share more stories here and there so be on the look out. If you have any questions or there’s certain things you want me to talk about just comment and let me know. Thank you so much for reading so far!! I’ll have more in the next day or so.

Getting to Know Me Part 2

***Trigger warning *** talks about pregnancy and miscarriages

So yesterday we left off that I had just found out I was pregnant. So I call to get an appointment set up for blood work and all that good stuff you have to do. They confirm and move on with the other stuff. I ask that what the plan is the last two ended early and they immediately start me on progesterone to help add the pregnancy. Y’all when I say that this was a stressful pregnancy I am not lying!! We only told 2 people to start out with. My best friend knew and then when our cousins came to visit we surprised them. I didn’t want to tell anyone till it was safe. ( even though there really is never a safe mark while your pregnant) Let me tell you what waiting for that first apartment was pure torture!! I was so nervous and worried with everyday that passed. I always dreaded going to the bathroom. I was always afraid that it could be the start of the end and I honestly didn’t know if I could do it all again.

We finally make it to the first appointment!! Thank the lord!! I could breathe a little easier but I still wasn’t letting my guard down. I couldn’t… The appointment goes fine and set up the next. Now my pregnancy was labeled a high risk pregnancy for 2 reasons: 1. For having 2 miscarriages prior and 2. We’ll get to shortly. The next appointment they had me do a sonogram to make sure baby was growing like she was supposed too. This is when it really became real but still couldn’t get excited. Believe me I wanted too but I was to afraid too. At ten weeks we did the test and blood work to make sure baby was ok and to find out what the sex was. By this time I think we told a couple more friends and family. At this point our parents didn’t even know. We did surprise my husband’s mom on her birthday and she was so excited! This was a little before we finally announced to everyone.

I got with my aunt about doing announcement pictures and let me tell you what I was in love with them!! Finally it was time to tell everyone! At this point I was at the end of my first trimester. I was still really scared to announce it but I wasn’t going to be able to hide it much longer. We make the announcement everyone is so happy and excited. My best friend was so excited and claimed doing the gender reveal and the baby shower lol. We do the gender reveal not long after we announce. My best friend did it to where my husband hit a golf ball and pink dust came out!! Yay!! We’re having a girl! My husband was a little bitter lol he really wanted a boy. I did too, I didn’t know the first thing about raising a girl. ( yes I know I’m a girl but growing up I was more of a Tom boy. So the thought of what if she’s super girly? I don’t know the firstthing about fancy clothes, hair styles, and makeup) So we go through second trimester with some scares but other then that it went pretty smoothly. There was a couple of times I couldn’t feel her move and freaked out. Had to go in and get monitored and or check her heart rate. But she was fine. She was just running out of room to grow.

Now fast forward to the third trimester… A lot happens in this trimester! I have have to take the glucose test. I fail the hour test🤦‍♀️. I now have to to go do the 3 hour test🙄. I get a call to tell me a have failed that one as well and now have to start going to a specialist on top of my regular appointments. I get diagnosed with distational diabetes. I had to test my blood four times a day and eventually add medicine as well. I now have to be super careful what I eat and drink. So my baby shower is coming up and I can’t even really enjoy it because I can’t even eat half of what was there. To be fair they had food planned out ahead of time and everything was already scheduled. They didn’t even think about it lol. None of them had dealt with it and I wasn’t mad cause I didn’t really think of it either. But it was an awesome baby shower! Everyone who was involved did an amazing job! The theme was nightmare before Christmas. It’s my favorite movie.

As we got to the end I was doing doctors visits twice a week. We had to schedule a day to be induced because I was not allowed to go past 38 weeks as it could be bad for the both of us. At the specialist appointments I was getting a sonogram just about every appointment. I was in for one of my regular ob appointments at about 35 weeks I was told I was at a one and a half and the next visit she could strip my membranes to get the labor process started. Well as week progressed I started losing my mucus plug. That weekend we were supposed to go do our maternity pictures, but someone had other plans… Saturday my husband had to work all and I was busy cleaning the house. All day off and on I had what I thought were Braxton Hicks and never really amounted to much so I just went on about my day. My husband gets home and we’re in bed and here come the Contractions still thinking they were Braxton Hicks I didn’t really pay much attention to him. Little did I know my husband was keeping track of how far apart they were coming and lasting. He was like “I’m pretty sure you’re in labor.” I was like “there’s no way! I still have a couple of weeks before she can come!”

So he calls the hospital and is transferred to labor and delivery and is asking them what to do and they give suggestions on how I can stop the contractions. I try a couple but nothing works. So I’m laying in bed and the next thing I know I can feel water not a lot. I look at him and was like “I either just peed myself or my water just broke!”

Sorry that’s it for today. I’ll finish up tomorrow. So come back to hear the rest. Thanks so much for reading this far!❤

Sorry! I realized I forgot to add pictures 🤦‍♀️. These are some of my favorites from our announcement pictures ❤

Getting to know me

***Possibale Trigger Warning ***

Hi everyone! I hope y’all have a great week! I thought I’d interduce myself a little more and kind of give a back story as to why I decided to start this blog. Also I wanted this blog to real and personal. I want to be able to connect with y’all and have this be a safe place to open up. No judgment from me.

I am 32 years old and have been married for 4 years now but have been with my husband since i was 18. Wow! It’s been a long time lol. It also took forever for him to propose! Anyway we have had our ups and downs just like anyone else…

***Trigger warning ahead***

We were young and having the time of our lives’! We could go anywhere we wanted and do anything we wanted there was nothing holding us back. Ok maybe there was and that was a cat and of course money within reason. Also the cat wasn’t rally holding us back lol. She could really care less about us to be honest. As long as she had food and water she was great. We had jobs come and go and moved a couple times for different job positions and then my husband finally found i guess you’d say his forever job. While all that was going on i wanted more! Meaning i wanted us to finally settle down and have a family. I had been off bith control for quite some time now and nothing had happened. It would be years before i finally became a mom… Before one of our moves i had found out i was pregnant I was so excited and nervous at the same time. My husband was in shock! We currently rented a one bedroom apartment that was more for a college student… So I knew he was stressing and he was a manager that worked crazy hours.

So made an appointment to have blood work done to confirm and set up other appointments. We told everyone and were so excited. A week or so goes by and I start bleeding… I call the doctors and have to go back to check my hcg levels. I get that dreaded call that no expecting mother wants to hear…. “I am sorry but your levels aren’t doubling like they are such too. It looks like you are miscarring.” Hung up the phone and just cried and cried and cried. I was so confused, mad, and upset! I didn’t understand why or how this could happen to me… On top of that a few months later I end up getting let go from my job. So I guess you could say everything happens for a reason…

Then shortly after that my husband was offered a job promotion. So we ended up moving back to Topeka, ks. He worked as a co manager for awhile but he was always gone, he had to be you know the boss calls you gotta go… It was really stressful for the both of us. He kept at it for awhile and we just tried to be there for each other. My husband ended up having to have emergency gull bladder surgery (which ended up being a blessing in disguise). His boss wanted to know when he’d be back. Like seriously who asks that?!? He had just had his gull bladder removed and you want to know how soon he’ll be back?? So while he was out he was looking at different jobs options since his current job was just becoming too much… It was taking a toll on his health and our relationship (to a point. I already kinda knew what to expect since we had both worked for the same company for quite some time( different story for a different day😉).

He found a job and went for it! Got hired and started as soon as he was able too. It was seriously the best decision he made!! His now current boss is the best! Treats us like family and always asks how things are going. While all this was going on I found a new job. Actually two… I started out at a call center and worked there for awhile. I was not a fan of it lol, but it was a job. Then took I on a second full time job. I was a sales vendor I went around at a certain store and stocked things, checked inventory, set up displays, and what not. It was fun for awhile but eventually got to be to much. I was going all over the place. I ended up quitting the call center job and making the vendoring my main job. I kept at it for awhile.

***Trigger Warning Ahead ***

We finally got married and bought a house of our own. Shortly after we moved to our new house I found out I was pregnant again! I was so happy this time!! Life had finally came together, it was falling into place!! This time we only told a couple of people. Went through all the blood work again. Then about a week later it was all over again… At this point I was so devastated! All the emotions came flooding back again! I talked to the doctor and there was no guarantee that this wouldn’t happen again. So my husband and I decide maybe we just weren’t ment to have kids. I mean I hadn’t been on birth control since 2014 and it was now 2017 and had miscarriages. So we decided that I’d go back on birth control.

My sister was currently pregnant and I was helping throw her a baby shower. It came the day of her baby shower and I had realized I was a week late for my period!! I was telling me friend about it and was like maybe it’s just because I’ve been so stressed?? She was like pick up a test and stop by my house. I was like ok but it’s gonna be negative. Get one and go to her house and take it. She comes out and was like it’s positive!! Now at this point I should be so excited, but I couldn’t be. I was so scared and all I could think about was the last two times… So we come to my house and my friends daughter takes it to my husband and he thinks it’s hers lol. She’s like ” that ain’t mine!”😂. He looks at me. I’m like “yep”.

Come back tomorrow for the rest of the story.